Wow

The other day Mark and I were talking--I don't even remember about what in particular--but at some point I said something out loud that I never had before. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It's wasn't anything that I didn't already know in my mind. It wasn't anything that isn't totally clear to me. But I had never said it out loud.

I said to him, "I will never get better."

It seems insignificant, but once I said it, it was like a total epiphany. The realization that short of a cure, this is the rest of my life. No going back to who I once was. No turning back the clock. No regaining what has been lost.

Bit by bit, I have tried to digest each frustrating piece of this journey--loss of hearing in one ear, fatigue, seizures, cognitive difficulties, depression, the start of hearing loss in both ears. (Geesh, it's a lot more depressing when you list it out like that.) Anywho, with each knock, I have willed myself to get back up and drive forward. What choice do I have? It's never going to change. And I'm never going to get better.

So there it is. I've named it, spoken it, owned it. I guess the only thing I can do now is keep pushing, keep praying, try new adventures, and have fun. After all, who knows what tomorrow will bring?