MS and Blog Fail

I'm embarrassed to point out that this is the first time I've posted in far too long. When I started this blog, I had told myself that I would be faithful about posting. And, honestly, I've got so much to talk about--my first race, our team name, our costumes. But something happened a while back that led to my backing off for a little while. It happened when I was at a party and made an apparently failed joke about my "brain spots."

"We know," someone said in a tone that clearly conveyed the message that they didn't want to hear another word about my MS.

It stopped me cold. I wasn't trying to make a big deal. It was an off the cuff joke because I didn't remember something. To say I wanted to crawl under the table and die is an understatement.

When I came home I grilled Mark. "Do I talk too much about MS?" "If I do, why don't you tell me?" "Maybe the blog was a stupid idea and I should stop." Once again he just stood there and listened. He's really good at that. He always knows just when to talk and when to listen. Finally, he told me what he's told me so many times before--"Don't worry about everyone else. Do what's right for you."

You see, I'm by nature a hard core introvert--terrified of meeting new people, hate talking on the phone. In fact, when I was in high school I used to tell my parents I was going out with people and then go shopping by myself. I don't like asking for help and most of the time I would prefer to blend right into the wallpaper.

So having someone think that I was trying to exploit my health for popularity or attention mortified me. I would be perfectly happy internalizing every little thing about this disease. For a long time I did. A lot of times I still do. But I'm not supposed to. That's what the doctors say. That's what all the "experts" and articles tell me to do.

So I'm sorry if me talking about MS bothers people, but I can't help it. And here's why. It never leaves my mind...ever. It's a part of my everyday life, just like my kids, family, job. So, just like with those things, I'm going to talk about it. I'm not doing it for attention. I'm not doing it for fun. I'm doing it because, unfortunately, it's a part of who I am. Sorry if that bothers some people. But I have decided that I'm going to take Mark's advice. I like writing this blog. I like the idea that something I post may help even one person going through the same thing as me.

So, if you're interested in my running antics and MS rants, stick around. I've got some things I've been wanting to talk about.