Saturday, May 21, 2011

Are You There God? It's Me, Susan

And with all due respect to Judy Blume, this post has nothing to do with my period. But it does have everything to do with you, God. And some serious questions I have.

When I first started this whole MS thing, I--like probably every other person who has anything wrong with them--prayed for it to go away. Not me, not now, not ever. Please, God. It was worth a shot, I figured. Every saint in the Catholic Church needs two official miracles. So why can't I be one of them?

Over time I came to peace with the fact that I wasn't going to pray my way out of this one. (Of course, John Paul II still needs one more, but I suspect some of the things I've said about him in regards to the sex-abuse crisis might get me passed over.) But I prayed nonetheless. I just didn't know what I was praying for.

I've prayed for roses from St. Therese, but thanks to me saying how much I think they're a rip off I don't see those very often. I've even tried St. Jude, patron saint of hopeless causes. And again nothing. I've prayed to every connection I have in the communion of saints that I can think of. Obviously, they either weren't as holy as I thought, or they don't have an "in" with you.

So, O.K., God. Could you please help me out. What am I supposed to pray for? Strength? Patience? Understanding? What is my journey about? What am I supposed to learn? Or am I supposed to teach someone else something? A little help, a little direction would be most appreciated.

Amen.

Oh, and tell John XXIII I'm a big fan of Vatican II and think he got the shaft when they moved his tomb for JPII. (He still needs another miracle, doesn't he?)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

It’s All About Perspective

Last night when I was doing laundry, I came across this ratty old t-shirt. It’s an undershirt, actually, and it belongs to my son. Well, it was originally my dad’s. One night when we were at my parent's house and the kids got a bath and didn’t have any PJ’s, my dad gave it to Alex to wear home. At the time, I’m absolutely certain that my dad didn’t realize what he was actually giving my son.

Now let me back up a minute and give you some background to this story. You see, my mom is amazing when it comes to laundry. And, much like her cooking, no matter how hard I try to copy what she does, I fail. My laundry never looks as good as hers (which could have something to do with the fact that it often lays on the table in the laundry room for days). And, as my children so often point out, it NEVER smells as good as grandma’s.

But back to the t-shirt. Since the day my dad gave Alex that shirt, he has worn it over and over and over again to sleep at night. When it was dirty he would return it to my mom to wash for him. He said it didn’t smell right when I washed it. Nowadays, since I started using the same fabric softener as my mom I can get away with washing it--sometimes

For a brief moment when I grabbed it off the pile to fold it, I considered retiring it to the rag bin. But something stopped me. Sure it's  torn, old and ratty looking. But it matters to my son. For him it isn’t just a t-shirt he wears to bed. It is something his grandpa gave to him. It reminds him of grandpa and it smells like him. In short, he has a whole different perspective on that t shirt than anyone else--including me.

If I’ve learned anything over the past couple of months, it’s that perspective matters--A WHOLE LOT. How you choose to look at things can make a huge difference in your attitude. But the tricky part is that it is a choice. One you have to make every day. Some days I’m better at seeing the glass half full--I walked 4.5 miles. Other days I fail miserably--I couldn’t run those 4.5 miles. Today I choose to see things in a positive light. How about you?

Friday, May 13, 2011

Why I Walked

This past weekend, I took part in Walk MS here in Cincinnati. It's the first year that I've done the walk, partly because I really never felt like I fit before. In hindsight that seems pretty stupid to me, but I remind myself it's all about the journey. I'm in a different place this year than I was last year...and the year before that.

Seeing as it was my first year taking part in the walk, I must confess that I came less than prepared--both emotionally and logistically.

Knowing that MS affects people in so many different ways is one thing. Seeing it up close and personal is another. Wheelchairs, walkers, canes were aplenty. A tricked out wheelchair accessible van was on full display. Booths for  a wide range of services were all over, as were teams with memorial shirts bearing the picture for who they were walking. To say it was a bit overwhelming is an understatement.

Logistically, I didn't do much better. I didn't manage to raise much money, my team was small--but mighty--and we didn't have nice matching T-shirts like a lot of the teams, but you know what? It was O.K.

Maddie, walking for and with her mom.
I realized that when I filled out the card saying who I was walking for. I did this for me. No one else, just me. I would have walked it all by myself if need be. And that's because this is my journey. Slowly I'm learning that. (Luckily I didn't have to walk alone because I was surrounded by my family and my BFF, Teri, and her two daughters.)

In short, I'm learning on this journey that as much as I appreciate the love and support of those around me, I can't look to them to make this O.K. This is my journey, my challenge. And that is why I walked--and even ran the last quarter mile or so to the finish line leaving my team in the dust--and will walk next year and the year after that. It is why I will run the Disney Princess Half Marathon--either alone or with my hubby if he feels so inclined.

Through this journey, I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm stronger than I thought, I'm more capable than I thought and I can do this. This walk was another step along the way. As the walkers headed out, this was one of the songs they played. I don't think they could have made a better choice.

Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm a Super Hero

Really. Riley gave me a booklet for Mother's Day saying so. Just in case any of you aren't aware of my super-poweryness, here are the reasons why I, Susan, am a super hero:

* I can write words--apparently that's my job. I am a professional word writer--and check Riley's homework--all in one day. No wonder I'm always exhausted. And here I thought it had something to do with my MS.

* I'm so smart that I know about the airport and the (St. Louis) arch. She then looked at me and said, "You do know about the airport, don't you?"

* I am as beautiful as......her. I don't know whether to be proud of her self confidence or mortified by her diva-ness. I'll go with the first.
Even when I'm exhausted, I still say Riley's my baby.


In addition to finding out I was a superhero, my day was also enhanced by the little things that mom's love, like Alex, my nine-year-old son, holding my hand--for no apparent reason--in public.

And I also had the privilege of planting flowers at my mom and dad's house--an annual tradition for Mother's Day. I am so blessed to still be able to spend time with my mom on this special day. (Plus she fed us, which was an added bonus.)

When I first became a mom, I held such high standards for Mother's Day. 12 years and four kids later, I've come to realize that sometimes it's the little things that mean the most. Trust me on that. After all, I am a superhero.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Little Bit of R & R--Relaxing and Running


Last week, with the kids on spring break, we headed to Florida for some well deserved rest and relaxation. We needed it. Between work and school we've all been a bit stressed.

Add to that the record breaking rainfall we've had here in Ohio and to say my exercise regimen has suffered would be a MAJOR understatement. And I've felt it. The fatigue has come back big time and my body aches.

So Florida came at a perfect time. In the morning the sun over the ocean seemed to call my name. Some days I told it to shut up and went back to sleep. I was, after all, on vacation. Those days I walked the beach at night with the family. But a couple mornings I did lace up my shoes and hit the beach bright and early while the rest of the family was still asleep.

Now when you see all those people running along the shore line it looks so freeing, so easy. And I'm here to tell you it's nearly impossible. Run too close to the water and your shoes get wet. Run up higher and good luck keeping your balance as you trudge through drifts of sand. As if I don't have balance issues already.

After going back and forth between the two I decided it was best to brave the ocean and run near the water. Long story short, it kinda looked like this, except I had cooler clothes on, there was no music playing as I ran and I was alone. I did try to race a couple of other people, but they just looked at me funny and ran away. I guess that means I beat them. Other than that it was pretty much the same.

Now I'm back in Cincy and trying to recreate that same feeling of inspiration--in the rain and minus the beach. It's proving challenging. This is the best inspiration I've found so far. It's not the beach, but it'll have to do for now.

In Search of Healing

The other day I was watching Kris Carr's documentary Crazy, Sexy, Cancer . In it, there is one line in particular that speaks to me. She...