Well, Hello Guilt

The other night I walked for a solid hour on the treadmill. Just a month or so into this challenge, it was a huge accomplishment for me. Yay for me, right? So then why did I feel so crappy when I was done? Physically I felt great. Mentally, not so much.

It's something that's been nagging at me ever since I started this journey. It's guilt. Guilt that I shouldn't be wasting my time on this. Guilt that I'm even considering going to Disney without my kids next February. Guilt that I should be upstairs or at home spending time with Mark and the kids instead of downstairs on the treadmill or out walking the neighborhood. Guilt that Mark is left to take care of things while I'm doing said walking.

As a working mom, I'm no stranger to guilt. It's been a constant in my life since that day 12+ years ago when I drove to my office three months after Maddie was born. Ever since, I have been constantly lamenting how when I'm at home I should be getting work done and when I'm at work I should be at home spending time with my kids. It's an epic back and forth battle that will never be settled. I get that.

Heap on top of that a whole bunch of guilt for having this damn disease in the first place and you have a whole lot of guilt going on. I know I can't help that getting MS part, but the guilt is still there.

But I also know that I'm no good to anyone else if I don't take care of myself. After all, an hour on the treadmill sure beats an entire day wiped out in bed with overwhelming fatigue. Not that it makes it any easier, but it keeps me going. Now excuse me, I have to go. My IPod and treadmill are calling my name.