Refining My Vocabulary

Recently I've started to learn some new words. No, not the colorful, shouldn't say them in front of kids words. I already know all those. Instead I'm learning words that up until now I haven't used enough. They are words like: No and  help. I'm also learning some new phrases like "I don't want to and I can't."

You see, I've always been about other people. I love seeing the joy doing something for someone else often brings. If I thought me doing something would make someone else happy, or make it easier for everyone, I just did it--in life, in relationships, in work, in general. And it worked--for a while. But not anymore. I don't have the energy for it. Whether I like it or not, I just can't do it. (See, I'm using that nifty new phrase I'm learning.)

It's hard. In so many ways I have tied who I am with what I can do for others. It's not been easy. Sometimes I'm good at it. Other times I'm not. Sometimes people understand. Other times they don't. It's OK. As I've said so many times, this is a journey. I'm trying to figure this out. Those around me are too.

One of the most difficult things about this disease is rediscovering myself within the confines of an altered lifestyle. In many ways it's freeing--giving me the opportunity to redefine myself, refocus on the important things, and be forced to slow down. In other ways it's frustrating--new routines, new limitations, lots of uncertainty. But I'll figure it out. It just may take a little time and a few more no's, helps and I can'ts. Please be patient.