Suburban Crack

Hi. My name is Susan, and I am an addict. My friends and family are well aware of my addiction. It is one I have tried to tackle numerous times, but to no avail. I am addicted to fountain Pepsi. I hear report after report about the rising drug problem in the suburbs, but never do I see my own addiction addressed, which is sad.

I suspect my addiction has its roots in years of watching my mom drink Diet Pepsi for breakfast. (Luckily she conquered her Diet Pepsi demon years ago.) My sister has also fallen victim to the disease. Mountain Dew is her fountain drink of choice.

Think I'm kidding? Ask me how much a fountain pop costs at any of the fast-food restaurants that serve Pepsi products. Ask me which one has the best syrup-carbonation ratio, resulting in the best tasting beverage. Ask me the name of the workers at my local Taco Bell. I'm not kidding, I can answer all of those questions.

Oh, and I am a bit of an elitist. I only drink gas station fountain pop (yes, we say "pop" not "soda" here in Cincinnati) on holidays--when all the restaurants are closed--and in the early morning to stave off a caffeine headache.

In typical junkie fashion, I even rotate the restaurants I frequent to hide the depths of my addiction, which now that I write that makes no sense because the only people I'm hiding it from are the workers, who really don't care. Anyway.

What's that you say? Fountain pop is not an addiction. Really? Well then why is it I catch so much flack from people for drinking it?

It's bad for my health? I know. But aparently so is peanut butter and everything else I eat and drink. And I already have lesions on my brain anyway.

So if you happen to ever see me in the drive thru please don't judge. We all have our issues.