In Search of Peace

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray? I love that movie. Lately, I feel like I'm living that movie.

In the film, every day Bill Murray wakes up to find that it's the same day--literally. Whatever he did the day before has been erased. The slate has been wiped clean. I kinda know that feeling.

Last night I ran 1.5 miles. Today it was hard for me to walk up the stairs at work because my legs felt like lead. Last night I went to bed at 9. This morning I woke up more tired than when I went to bed. Five steps forward, 10 steps back.

When this happens, I wonder: Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Pushing forward only to immediately feel like I've been pulled back to where I started?

Someone asked me once what I desired the most when it came to this road I'm on. Of course the obvious answer would be to find a cure, but outside of that, I said, I just want peace. Peace in the belief that there is a reason God chose me. Peace with the realization that I am strong enough to take this journey. Peace with leaving behind the me I used to know and peace with the me I am becoming. I'm not there. I'm not sure when I'll get there, or how. But I'm trying.

God and I have had some serious talks about this process. I mean ugly, "I hate you," "you're the worst father ever" red eyes, runny snot kind of talks. I'm pretty sure he's OK with it. At least I hope he is. We always seem to make up. I ask him if this peace thing will ever come. Unfortunately, he hasn't answered me yet. Other times I wonder if I'm already there and it just doesn't look or feel like I thought it would. Either way, my journey continues, my search continues; my search for peace.