It's Hard Looking Back

Last night, Maddie and Alex pulled out some old videos from when they were little. Mark and I willingly joined them on the couch. God, how fast time has gone. We laughed at their antics, their outfits and my hair.

And the whole time, I sat there thinking, "I miss that person"--minus the bad hair. In the videos I laughed, I ran with the kids, I helped build a shed. That's what sucks the most about being sick, is that I remember what it was like to not be sick. I remember what it feels like to wake up in the morning with energy. I remember what it's like to not feel "broken" all the time. I remember having the strength and energy to throw my kids up in the air. And I miss it...a lot. I miss the old me.

Of all the struggles I've faced with this disease, that's the one I can't seem to master or get past. I try to accept my new reality, but most days it's a real struggle. I try not to give in to the hopelessness. I try to do the things recommended for staving off what sometimes feels like the inevitable, I just can't. You would think that after 10 years I would be there. I'm not.

But I'll keep trying. Maybe someday soon I'll find that person again, or learn to love the one I've become. Guess the adventure continues.