In Search of Healing

The other day I was watching Kris Carr's documentary Crazy, Sexy, Cancer. In it, there is one line in particular that speaks to me. She says that when it comes to illness, "You have a full-time job. You're always at the office of healing." She's exactly right.

I've mentioned before that there is not one minute of one day that I do not think about being sick. I can't help it. There are injections to be made, medicines to be taken. Blood work ups, tests, medicine adjustments, new symptoms, doctor appointments, insurance issues. I talk about it. I read about it. I research. I ask questions. I take note of every little change in how I'm feeling. It's exhausting, and it takes a lot of time and energy. Time and energy that, quite frankly, I don't have.

If you look at my computer you will find an obscene amount of articles on MS, links to diets meant to cure MS, videos on MS, articles and quotes to blow sunshine up my ass and make me feel that if I truly wanted and worked hard enough, I'd beat this. Best I can tell, the best thing for me to do is run around a lot and then go in the backyard and eat grass. And yet, despite all that, I'm still sick. What's up with that?

I often wonder if there's something I'm doing or not doing that could change my situation. And then I question whether or not I really have any control over this anyway. So I'll keep searching. Maybe one day I'll find an answer.